Wednesday, November 08, 2006

inner goddess

Just thought I would take a few minutes to record the comings and goings this past week. I've taken to waking up at 3am again which is not a good sign and a sure indication that there is just too much junk whizzing aimlessly around my brain waiting for release.

Its much better to unburden it here. Well better for me anyway. It may not for the few poor souls that happen to fall upon this blog unintentionally.

Well after my last musing about unabated horniness, the highlight of the week was surely Saturday night! It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? I was unsure whether to contact the Man or not, fearing rejection of just plain ambivalence, but as it turned out he was around and on good form. My lovely latex had an airing after nearly 5 months unworn and it was great to put it on again.

I cant really explain my fascination with it either. It is THE most unprepossessing material when you first see it. No more erotic than a marigold washing up glove. But by the time it is cleaned and polished it becomes a different fabric. It makes me feel truly amazing, like the most erotic and sexy person in the whole universe. which of course I am not. But you get the idea....

And well, the man. Ho hum. He is so completely fanciable and I wish he wasn't. He kind of combines completely opposite traits almost simultaneously, I'm not even sure how he does it, just that he does.

He manages to be trustworthy, straight, but not straight forward, dependable but unreliable, loyal but unfaithful, predictable but impetuous, loving but flippant. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the world but then doesn't phone for ages, the sort of man who wants unswerving devotion but would try and get off with your friends! I am totally captivated by him, but trying to keep some distance as I know that's what he wants from me. Its silly, i'm crazy about him and he thinks the world of me so why do we do it?

The only other new and exciting thing this week is that I've also just started a belly dancing course. Which is amusing to say the least and very tricky! Apparently the instructor is hoping to release the inner goddess in all of us. Ha, she's got a job on her hands; thats 30 giggling women of assorted shapes, ages and sizes.

Watch this space!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

single train of thought...

I think I must have. A one track mind that is.

I've tried, honestly I have! Tried not to think about sex every day, tried not to think about him too often and tried very hard not to have to frig myself into oblivion every night to get to sleep. Trouble is it doesn't work very well. Couple that with some extra time on my hands and broadband connection and well...the fast downloading of erotica is just asking for trouble!

Its also been at least three weeks since my last sexual outing, which is just about the limit of my endurance, hence my preoccupation.

Its good sometimes to write some of this down, as I am sure most of my friends would not understand the way that it dominates my waking hours. Sure, I can talk about the gym , the current book in the book club, the latest gossip or diets and all that other trash that women like to talk about. But I am sure they would be shocked if they knew that actually i would like to know what its like to sleep with another women, to experience group sex, to sexually dominate a man for a change and that's just for starters. Have any of them done those things and if so, what was it like? somehow, I think not. They are all too nice! Well I am nice too. Most of the time!

The thing is I look at sexually attractive women that same way I think an average bloke does. Nice figure, long legs, shapely arse etc. I'd like to experience to touch of another women, the feel of another breast on mine, the wetness between her legs but on the other hand, fingers are no substitute for a hard cock are they? And I am sure that I would still need a good pummelling even after the most talented of fingers had done their best. I think it must be rather cool to be a man, and to be able to able to be so versatile!

Friday, September 22, 2006

my body is a temple...etc

What's that saying? My body is a temple and I must worship it daily... well I have worshipped it tonight with three glasses of white wine. Does that count?

Probably not. I wish my body could be worshipped daily by a sex obsessed man with a penchant for girls who wear high heels. Someone with a slighly kinky mind, lovingly tender but sexually dominant . Mmm. I used to think I wasnt normal until I read some of the other blogs on here! NowI dont think I am too far off the mark just because I like oogling pics of pretty girls and enjoy pornography and latex! oh well I live in hope that someday my prince will come but unfortunately realise there is no happy ever after.

I have had a dull few weeks really, I've not much to tell as I have been busy with work, life and stuff and generally just keeping my head down and trying to be good! Not trying all that hard, truth be told but one has to make a little effort every now and again.

I had dinner last week with the man. He has emerged from his cave and whilst I am feeling reasonably perky about things generally, I am not sure he really understands that all I want from him is understanding and a feeling of connection. Do you know what I mean by that? The feeling you get when you look at someone special straight in the eye; someone who really excites you and makes you curious about them, about you and your place in the world. I wonder what he really thinks about me?

Otherwise things here at home are much as they always are. Its funny how you can live me a man who studiously ignores your love affair with someone else. I wish he didn't and I wish he would do something about it. Its quite clear to me that all he wants is a tidy, clean house, and someone around in the wife/mother role. The fact that he pushes me away when i try and broach the subject of our future and will not discuss anything about it all is almost as destructive as my unfaithfulness.

Certainly I am worse but longer this goes on the less sure I am about apportioning blame.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Houdini mark II

Found the hamster. Decomposing nicely! I dont how it managed it, but it had found its way into the cupboard under the sink in the utility room. I was sure I had checked that cupboard! Anyway it had tumbled into a rather large white ceramic flower vase and was obviously trapped and unable to escape.

Poor thing. I know how it felt. Anwyway I identified with it sufficiently and felt guilty and sad to go and buy the children a new one. At vast expense. Well the hamster was only £6.00, but the new cage was £48!! Stupid or what

Lets see how long this one lasts shall we?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Tears at bedtime

Hello blog. Kind of missed writing to you whilst I have been away. I know that no one reads this so its a blessed relief that I can write down all the crap stuff and not store it in my memory bank for any longer than necessary. Well no one reads it because no one (apart from him) knows I write it. The holidays are over and I had a great time with the children, down in sunny Devon in splendid isolation. The kids enjoyed it, and we did all the usual traditional things like making sandcastles, crabbing, rockpooling and just really chilling out.

I had plenty of time to think and adjust myself to the fact the probably the affair of the last nearly two years was grinding to a shuddering halt. Which indeed it has. It wasn't done with any finesse either which was a shame. Possibly if I had reacted differently I might have got to see him one last time. But it wouldn't have done me any good. He put me straight. It was just sex. But that's men for you. They can shag around and not give a damn. I can and indeed I have done in the past, but not for that length of time and not having told him everything about me. Its not nice when someone betrays your trust in them but I suppose the experience will teach me a thing or two and I will be more careful next time. I will also be stronger, tougher and harder.

So I shall retire to my bed and lick my wounds, cry, grieve, mourn and bury him under a pile of work, things that need doing and the perennial problem of what to do with the rest of my life.

Onwards, upwards, stronger, fitter, healthier and more to the point happier. There is someone out there who can help make me happy and fulfilled, but I have to do the groundwork myself first. I know that.
Fucking well cant be difficult. Can it?

We shall see.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Tears & Tesco

Now I know why I haven't fallen in love with anyone for 20 years. The pain of it, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I am trying hard to be brave, but I am hurting badly. I think I have set myself up for a fall, asking him to remember my birthday. I dont even expect he will call and I will end up having a shite day.

I could live without him in my life, but I miss him though. I miss his friendship, I want to phone him and talk to him about things in my life, I miss the buzz and excitment of him, I miss the chemistry and I miss the sex. Yes all those things.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Holiday thoughts

Going away for a while.

Got some thinking to do. I have given handsome man some time out and a "get out of jail card" if he needs it. Which I think he does. I tried to explain why his distance upsets me and I have bared my heart and soul to him and probably shouldn't have done so. The trouble with that, is that it leaves you venerable and fragile. Its going to come back and bite me on the arse I reckon!

Well, you can't help who you fall in love with can you? And I guess any person reading this, you would say "serves you damm well right" and "what did you expect. But I would be a hard nosed bitch if I didn't feel those feelings for him. It took me by surprise when it happened and surprises me still that I feel the same way all this time later. And nor should I be too surprised if he runs a mile in the opposite direction.

I shouldn't have used an affair as the excuse to end a stale, stagnant and sexless marriage but I sure am not the first person to have done so. It was grinding to a shuddering halt long before the affair. There is still much to do on that front. But its almost impossible when you don't speak to each other.

A holiday is what is needed. No sex, no erotic thoughts and dreams, no vibrator, no men, no email or mobile. Nothing, just me and the kids and a good girlfriend along for some company in the second week, to stop me wallowing in doubt and loneliness.

The sun better shine.

Friday, July 28, 2006


Houdini, that was our hamster. Notice I use the past tense here.... The little rodent has gnawed a great big hole through the red plastic side of her cage and escaped.

The children's are desolate.

Although their upset is bound to be short lived. A good start to the school holidays!

I don't hold up much hope of finding it either; it seems to have navigated its way from the top of the chest of drawers and out of the children's bedroom, down the stairs and vanished. Its been three days now. Long gone I think and no sign. The omens are not good are they?

Cant say I blame it really either, the poor thing, it didn't much like being jammed head first into the pink barbie convertible car just a few weeks ago and has the last laugh!

Bloody well wish I could do the same.

Have the last laugh and escape that is.

Monday, July 24, 2006

new shoes!


I haven't felt much life writing this for a week or so really. Its been a funny old week what with one thing and another. The hot weather is great, but my libido has taken off like a rocket and I am struggling to keep it under control.

First off, I managed to get myself in a right lather about the tall handsome one. I went to see him a few weeks ago and cooked, dressed up in some lovely latex for him and well, you can guess the rest. So we had dinner, some nice sex, and a pleasant and enjoyable evening I thought. I must admit I wasn't really on top form that night but enjoyable nonetheless.

Well. That was more than two weeks ago, and despite a leaving a couple of messages and texts I had heard nothing. There is nothing in this world guaranteed to piss me off more and so I wrote to him. No sooner had I posted the bloody letter, then guess who calls me. I had already convinced myself that I had been dumped or worse that he was dead in a ditch somewhere!

Clearly he's not dead in a ditch. But alive and well. Which is good. However, I may still be dumped, I am not entirely certain!

Well, it will do me good to have the summer off. I can concentrate on the children instead of myself for a change. No doubt I have confirmed his worst suspicions about me. I grant you, I did overeact , but with justifiable cause. Its just so unnecessary to be so rude.

Shame, I haven't been able to wear my killer heels yet, bought them to go with the latex dress..... Can't exactly wear them on the school run can I!

Talking of which. Only two more days to go.

Monday, July 17, 2006


Just a short post today. Its too hot and I can't concentrate!

I had my last session with my physco-therapist today. Apparently I am much more congruent!
I wasn't sure what that was at first, it sounded like some sort of mathematical puzzle to me. But it means fitting together and suitable according to the dictionary. Congruent... Its a good word isn't it?

It will be a blessed relief not to have to go to that appointment every Monday that's for sure. I just hope I can keep on an even keel whilst all this is going on.

I need to stop thinking about him so much though. Its not good and makes me sad. I miss him, but clearly he isn't thinking about me. Why do women fall for men who are emotionally distant? Wish I knew.

The weekend panned out better than expected which was good. I spent Saturday in the garden, pottering and doing not very much and went to the school summer ball on Saturday night and danced away my troubles! ~Sunday was spent recovering from a hangover on the beach at Bournemouth with my darling daughters and my brother and his family. Tiring but good all in all.

Think I shall have to re-classify this blog. I cant talk about sex cos I am not getting any!

Monday, July 10, 2006

suburban sexpot!

Ha! He thinks I have loads of blokes wanting my pussy!

I wish! Its hard to maintain the persona of suburban sexpot when there is no-one wanting to shag you on a regular basis. More so, when the man you want most of all is cool and distant.
Well, there's someone at work, so thats a no no for a start. Flattering all the same though.

Then I could go on a bender with Mad Dog, the bikey bloke from the pub. His leather's are cool , and bike even better, but he cant speak without saying "fuck" every other word. And I am sorry, but I cant shag a bloke I cant speak to..Whats the point?

So I suppose I will just have to be continually horny and wait some more....

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I don't think I,ve quite the hand of this blogging thing yet.

In a way I am relieved that no one reads it, but on the other hand....not! I am sure I have missed something quite fundamental and havent read the help topics properly,

Never mind. Better go and read it again me thinks.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Lucidity I think

I don't know about you, but I find the most lucid time of day to be that strange and funny time, between being asleep and fully awake. A no-mans-land of conscious thought. Sometimes its fleetingly brief and sometimes not.

I have made a supreme effort of late not to fret too much about the future and what lies ahead nor to worry too much about what has gone before and why my life has taken its current course of action. I still blame myself for much of it and despite the all too frequent times I tell myself, that its not all my fault. Somehow I know that much if it is! Anyway, I may be a silly cow at times but it doesn't make me a bad person.

Nor am I fretting so much about the tall handsome one. Yes I love him and yes its not good for me and probably the relationship has a finite time span but so what? What will be, will be and I am glad that I fell in love and let my guard down finally. Its been revealing. A temporary madness, but revealing nonetheless!

Much of it stems from identifying changing needs. It is no longer enough to be safe and comfortable. To enjoy the rut of a lifestyle at the expense of someone else? Not for me any longer. I haven't been fair to him at all and I have to break they cycle.

The unconditional love of my children is wonderful and unmissable and yet is not enough. I know that I have to put my needs alongside theirs to enable me to be a good parent. Otherwise I will simply revert to feeling like being trapped behind a pane of glass. Simply going though the motions and putting up a remarkably good show in front others. I have that down to an art form believe me.

So, onwards I think. Now I am feeling almost 100% fitter and mentally stronger to cope with the up and coming changes. I may be lonely, scared and unprepared financially, but I hope that
I can manage the change.

Time will tell.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Just musing...

Why is that that someone half your size and with twice your determination can press your short fuse button like no other? I've been in mummy mode this week ; sports day, sick children and 5th birthday parties, which basically means that most days this week have included over-wrought small children winging about their loss in life.

Take it from me kid.... You ain seen nothing yet!

Anyway she will look back at today and realise that she had a great time!

Children aside. Not much happening this week . Staying in and being good.

Whilst Iwas doing some chores earlier, there was an article on the radio by Chris Evans on Radio 2. about bloggers! Apparently its a mammoth world wide phenomenon! Cant see why; people have been writing diaries for centuries. Ths is just another format. And easier too. No spelling errors! Grammatical ones, yes I grant you!

What I like about it, is that no bugger bothers to read or comment about it! Its kind of reassuring to know that your thoughts however mundane and dull, stay that way. The other benefit is that it clears you mind in the evening and almmost guarantees a night of un-interuppted sleep....zzzzzzzzz



Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hello diary..

This is kind of like a "dear diary" isn't it. You can get rid of all your unwanted thoughts cluttering your mind and recycle them here.

I went to see my shrink today who has signed me off at last, after six months. I didn't tell him I ditched the pills about three months ago and that's why I am feeling a whole lot better!

My main problem is getting my husband to see sense. Not an easy task. I tried to talk to him last week and it ended in tears, with me crying and practically begging at his feet to see reason.
I cant really believe he wants to put us all though so much pain by constantly dragging his heels and burying his head in the sand. I have tried to see things from his point of view and take things slow but now it is pissing me off big time. Its like a big gaping wound that is constantly festering and it is very hard to stay focused on the fact that is WILL get better.

As for the other man in my life? Another source of pain and pleasure. Well god only knows. I can only take the snippets of time he is prepared to give. Perhaps if my home life were different then he would be too? But I really don't know. I have a feeling that this is all he will ever be prepared to give me. Its such as shame as I know ( and I think he does too) that we could be great friends, lovers and so much more if things were different. But they're not.

I just wish I were stronger and that he didn't intrude on my thoughts in quite such a big way.

There we go. A sensible entry for once.

Au revoir x

Sunday, June 11, 2006

whats a ball buster?

My god, the busiest of busy weekends is nearly over. Thank the Lord.
Birthdays, barbecues and football, not to mention work as well has just about left me almost comatose with tiredness.

Had a blue kinda evening last night and was feeling low, I don't even know why and weepy for no apparent reason. Probably pmt or something I suppose! It might explain some way towards why I so stuidly sent a text to the man. I don't know why I do it really. His uncanny knack with words have a tendency to cut right to the bone and instead of cheering me up made me feel a hundred times worse. I got called a ball buster! Wasn't even sure what it meant, but it didn't sound very nice.

Its not nice either. I looked it up! A sexually demanding women who undermines ones authority (apparently).

Well I admit the sexually demanding bit, that's very true!

But not in a nasty way.

Wish he understood me a little better and wish his power to hurt me wasn't so great.

Well, that's all for today. Completely knackered and pissed off so going to bed.

Nite nite

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Dear Diary...

Feeing very horny and downright dirty. Sitting at the pc with my tits out of the confines of their tee shirt. Each one feeling full and heavy and more than a little sensitive. Pity there isnt a willing mouth to cover the nippleas, pulling and tugging them into hard buds, tingling at every touch.

Wish there were some strong hands cupping each one in turn, feeling the fullness of each breast, pressing and rubbing each tit and nipple simultaneously.

Some massage oil would be good right now, slick, shiny and smooth.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

As it says!

Ever had one of those nights that turns out to be completely unexpected?

Well, last Saturday was just one of those nights. The kids were away for the weekend, so I texted the sex god, to my surprise he answered. Most unusual for starters. I received my instructions, a short slutty dress, high heels, red lipstick. Oh yes and bring some dinner! A cock and cook night so it seems

God the things I do for some decent sex! Arrived decadently dressed and was suitably rewarded with copious quantities of hard cock for me to suck. Of course I am an expertly talented throatress and he was pleased with my efforts. Bending over, I offered him a nicely shaved pussy, dripping wet and eager to receive my reward for being a good cocksucking whore.

Two women trapped in one body. Housewife and slut. One craving the routine of domesticity and the other wanting and needing lust, passion and desire on a constant basis. How does that work then? Well in reality, not always very well!

I suppose it is better to risk being hurt and to experience, love desire, kinks and that all consuming need to be with the one who makes you feel so utterly fantastic.

What do you think?

Sorry haven't mentioned the PVC catsuit yet have I? Never mind I shall.

This is me..

My first blog!

Well, this is a new experience! I often write my thoughts down but have never had the balls to post them on the net before. I am sure anyone reading this will soon tire of my random thoughts and complete pre-occupation with sex!

Let me tell you a little about myself and then you can see why my torrid love life and pre-occupation with one man in particular is driving me crazy.

Me, well, I am not bad looking I think, tall, attractive and so I've been told have a great pair of legs and a good arse. Married. Not happy. In love. But with an unsuitable man. No, correction is eminently suitable but not in love me....

But that is another story for another day