Friday, June 30, 2006

Lucidity I think

I don't know about you, but I find the most lucid time of day to be that strange and funny time, between being asleep and fully awake. A no-mans-land of conscious thought. Sometimes its fleetingly brief and sometimes not.

I have made a supreme effort of late not to fret too much about the future and what lies ahead nor to worry too much about what has gone before and why my life has taken its current course of action. I still blame myself for much of it and despite the all too frequent times I tell myself, that its not all my fault. Somehow I know that much if it is! Anyway, I may be a silly cow at times but it doesn't make me a bad person.

Nor am I fretting so much about the tall handsome one. Yes I love him and yes its not good for me and probably the relationship has a finite time span but so what? What will be, will be and I am glad that I fell in love and let my guard down finally. Its been revealing. A temporary madness, but revealing nonetheless!

Much of it stems from identifying changing needs. It is no longer enough to be safe and comfortable. To enjoy the rut of a lifestyle at the expense of someone else? Not for me any longer. I haven't been fair to him at all and I have to break they cycle.

The unconditional love of my children is wonderful and unmissable and yet is not enough. I know that I have to put my needs alongside theirs to enable me to be a good parent. Otherwise I will simply revert to feeling like being trapped behind a pane of glass. Simply going though the motions and putting up a remarkably good show in front others. I have that down to an art form believe me.

So, onwards I think. Now I am feeling almost 100% fitter and mentally stronger to cope with the up and coming changes. I may be lonely, scared and unprepared financially, but I hope that
I can manage the change.

Time will tell.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Just musing...

Why is that that someone half your size and with twice your determination can press your short fuse button like no other? I've been in mummy mode this week ; sports day, sick children and 5th birthday parties, which basically means that most days this week have included over-wrought small children winging about their loss in life.

Take it from me kid.... You ain seen nothing yet!

Anyway she will look back at today and realise that she had a great time!

Children aside. Not much happening this week . Staying in and being good.

Whilst Iwas doing some chores earlier, there was an article on the radio by Chris Evans on Radio 2. about bloggers! Apparently its a mammoth world wide phenomenon! Cant see why; people have been writing diaries for centuries. Ths is just another format. And easier too. No spelling errors! Grammatical ones, yes I grant you!

What I like about it, is that no bugger bothers to read or comment about it! Its kind of reassuring to know that your thoughts however mundane and dull, stay that way. The other benefit is that it clears you mind in the evening and almmost guarantees a night of un-interuppted sleep....zzzzzzzzz



Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hello diary..

This is kind of like a "dear diary" isn't it. You can get rid of all your unwanted thoughts cluttering your mind and recycle them here.

I went to see my shrink today who has signed me off at last, after six months. I didn't tell him I ditched the pills about three months ago and that's why I am feeling a whole lot better!

My main problem is getting my husband to see sense. Not an easy task. I tried to talk to him last week and it ended in tears, with me crying and practically begging at his feet to see reason.
I cant really believe he wants to put us all though so much pain by constantly dragging his heels and burying his head in the sand. I have tried to see things from his point of view and take things slow but now it is pissing me off big time. Its like a big gaping wound that is constantly festering and it is very hard to stay focused on the fact that is WILL get better.

As for the other man in my life? Another source of pain and pleasure. Well god only knows. I can only take the snippets of time he is prepared to give. Perhaps if my home life were different then he would be too? But I really don't know. I have a feeling that this is all he will ever be prepared to give me. Its such as shame as I know ( and I think he does too) that we could be great friends, lovers and so much more if things were different. But they're not.

I just wish I were stronger and that he didn't intrude on my thoughts in quite such a big way.

There we go. A sensible entry for once.

Au revoir x

Sunday, June 11, 2006

whats a ball buster?

My god, the busiest of busy weekends is nearly over. Thank the Lord.
Birthdays, barbecues and football, not to mention work as well has just about left me almost comatose with tiredness.

Had a blue kinda evening last night and was feeling low, I don't even know why and weepy for no apparent reason. Probably pmt or something I suppose! It might explain some way towards why I so stuidly sent a text to the man. I don't know why I do it really. His uncanny knack with words have a tendency to cut right to the bone and instead of cheering me up made me feel a hundred times worse. I got called a ball buster! Wasn't even sure what it meant, but it didn't sound very nice.

Its not nice either. I looked it up! A sexually demanding women who undermines ones authority (apparently).

Well I admit the sexually demanding bit, that's very true!

But not in a nasty way.

Wish he understood me a little better and wish his power to hurt me wasn't so great.

Well, that's all for today. Completely knackered and pissed off so going to bed.

Nite nite

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Dear Diary...

Feeing very horny and downright dirty. Sitting at the pc with my tits out of the confines of their tee shirt. Each one feeling full and heavy and more than a little sensitive. Pity there isnt a willing mouth to cover the nippleas, pulling and tugging them into hard buds, tingling at every touch.

Wish there were some strong hands cupping each one in turn, feeling the fullness of each breast, pressing and rubbing each tit and nipple simultaneously.

Some massage oil would be good right now, slick, shiny and smooth.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

As it says!

Ever had one of those nights that turns out to be completely unexpected?

Well, last Saturday was just one of those nights. The kids were away for the weekend, so I texted the sex god, to my surprise he answered. Most unusual for starters. I received my instructions, a short slutty dress, high heels, red lipstick. Oh yes and bring some dinner! A cock and cook night so it seems

God the things I do for some decent sex! Arrived decadently dressed and was suitably rewarded with copious quantities of hard cock for me to suck. Of course I am an expertly talented throatress and he was pleased with my efforts. Bending over, I offered him a nicely shaved pussy, dripping wet and eager to receive my reward for being a good cocksucking whore.

Two women trapped in one body. Housewife and slut. One craving the routine of domesticity and the other wanting and needing lust, passion and desire on a constant basis. How does that work then? Well in reality, not always very well!

I suppose it is better to risk being hurt and to experience, love desire, kinks and that all consuming need to be with the one who makes you feel so utterly fantastic.

What do you think?

Sorry haven't mentioned the PVC catsuit yet have I? Never mind I shall.

This is me..

My first blog!

Well, this is a new experience! I often write my thoughts down but have never had the balls to post them on the net before. I am sure anyone reading this will soon tire of my random thoughts and complete pre-occupation with sex!

Let me tell you a little about myself and then you can see why my torrid love life and pre-occupation with one man in particular is driving me crazy.

Me, well, I am not bad looking I think, tall, attractive and so I've been told have a great pair of legs and a good arse. Married. Not happy. In love. But with an unsuitable man. No, correction is eminently suitable but not in love me....

But that is another story for another day