Tears at bedtime

Hello blog. Kind of missed writing to you whilst I have been away. I know that no one reads this so its a blessed relief that I can write down all the crap stuff and not store it in my memory bank for any longer than necessary. Well no one reads it because no one (apart from him) knows I write it. The holidays are over and I had a great time with the children, down in sunny Devon in splendid isolation. The kids enjoyed it, and we did all the usual traditional things like making sandcastles, crabbing, rockpooling and just really chilling out.

I had plenty of time to think and adjust myself to the fact the probably the affair of the last nearly two years was grinding to a shuddering halt. Which indeed it has. It wasn't done with any finesse either which was a shame. Possibly if I had reacted differently I might have got to see him one last time. But it wouldn't have done me any good. He put me straight. It was just sex. But that's men for you. They can shag around and not give a damn. I can and indeed I have done in the past, but not for that length of time and not having told him everything about me. Its not nice when someone betrays your trust in them but I suppose the experience will teach me a thing or two and I will be more careful next time. I will also be stronger, tougher and harder.

So I shall retire to my bed and lick my wounds, cry, grieve, mourn and bury him under a pile of work, things that need doing and the perennial problem of what to do with the rest of my life.

Onwards, upwards, stronger, fitter, healthier and more to the point happier. There is someone out there who can help make me happy and fulfilled, but I have to do the groundwork myself first. I know that.
Fucking well cant be difficult. Can it?

We shall see.

Tears & Tesco

Now I know why I haven't fallen in love with anyone for 20 years. The pain of it, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I am trying hard to be brave, but I am hurting badly. I think I have set myself up for a fall, asking him to remember my birthday. I dont even expect he will call and I will end up having a shite day.

I could live without him in my life, but I miss him though. I miss his friendship, I want to phone him and talk to him about things in my life, I miss the buzz and excitment of him, I miss the chemistry and I miss the sex. Yes all those things.