Tears at bedtime

Hello blog. Kind of missed writing to you whilst I have been away. I know that no one reads this so its a blessed relief that I can write down all the crap stuff and not store it in my memory bank for any longer than necessary. Well no one reads it because no one (apart from him) knows I write it. The holidays are over and I had a great time with the children, down in sunny Devon in splendid isolation. The kids enjoyed it, and we did all the usual traditional things like making sandcastles, crabbing, rockpooling and just really chilling out.

I had plenty of time to think and adjust myself to the fact the probably the affair of the last nearly two years was grinding to a shuddering halt. Which indeed it has. It wasn't done with any finesse either which was a shame. Possibly if I had reacted differently I might have got to see him one last time. But it wouldn't have done me any good. He put me straight. It was just sex. But that's men for you. They can shag around and not give a damn. I can and indeed I have done in the past, but not for that length of time and not having told him everything about me. Its not nice when someone betrays your trust in them but I suppose the experience will teach me a thing or two and I will be more careful next time. I will also be stronger, tougher and harder.

So I shall retire to my bed and lick my wounds, cry, grieve, mourn and bury him under a pile of work, things that need doing and the perennial problem of what to do with the rest of my life.

Onwards, upwards, stronger, fitter, healthier and more to the point happier. There is someone out there who can help make me happy and fulfilled, but I have to do the groundwork myself first. I know that.
Fucking well cant be difficult. Can it?

We shall see.

Tears & Tesco

Now I know why I haven't fallen in love with anyone for 20 years. The pain of it, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I am trying hard to be brave, but I am hurting badly. I think I have set myself up for a fall, asking him to remember my birthday. I dont even expect he will call and I will end up having a shite day.

I could live without him in my life, but I miss him though. I miss his friendship, I want to phone him and talk to him about things in my life, I miss the buzz and excitment of him, I miss the chemistry and I miss the sex. Yes all those things.

Holiday thoughts

Going away for a while.

Got some thinking to do. I have given handsome man some time out and a "get out of jail card" if he needs it. Which I think he does. I tried to explain why his distance upsets me and I have bared my heart and soul to him and probably shouldn't have done so. The trouble with that, is that it leaves you venerable and fragile. Its going to come back and bite me on the arse I reckon!

Well, you can't help who you fall in love with can you? And I guess any person reading this, you would say "serves you damm well right" and "what did you expect. But I would be a hard nosed bitch if I didn't feel those feelings for him. It took me by surprise when it happened and surprises me still that I feel the same way all this time later. And nor should I be too surprised if he runs a mile in the opposite direction.

I shouldn't have used an affair as the excuse to end a stale, stagnant and sexless marriage but I sure am not the first person to have done so. It was grinding to a shuddering halt long before the affair. There is still much to do on that front. But its almost impossible when you don't speak to each other.

A holiday is what is needed. No sex, no erotic thoughts and dreams, no vibrator, no men, no email or mobile. Nothing, just me and the kids and a good girlfriend along for some company in the second week, to stop me wallowing in doubt and loneliness.

The sun better shine.

Houdini.

Houdini, that was our hamster. Notice I use the past tense here.... The little rodent has gnawed a great big hole through the red plastic side of her cage and escaped.

The children's are desolate.

Although their upset is bound to be short lived. A good start to the school holidays!

I don't hold up much hope of finding it either; it seems to have navigated its way from the top of the chest of drawers and out of the children's bedroom, down the stairs and vanished. Its been three days now. Long gone I think and no sign. The omens are not good are they?

Cant say I blame it really either, the poor thing, it didn't much like being jammed head first into the pink barbie convertible car just a few weeks ago and has the last laugh!

Bloody well wish I could do the same.

Have the last laugh and escape that is.

new shoes!

Hello

I haven't felt much life writing this for a week or so really. Its been a funny old week what with one thing and another. The hot weather is great, but my libido has taken off like a rocket and I am struggling to keep it under control.

First off, I managed to get myself in a right lather about the tall handsome one. I went to see him a few weeks ago and cooked, dressed up in some lovely latex for him and well, you can guess the rest. So we had dinner, some nice sex, and a pleasant and enjoyable evening I thought. I must admit I wasn't really on top form that night but enjoyable nonetheless.

Well. That was more than two weeks ago, and despite a leaving a couple of messages and texts I had heard nothing. There is nothing in this world guaranteed to piss me off more and so I wrote to him. No sooner had I posted the bloody letter, then guess who calls me. I had already convinced myself that I had been dumped or worse that he was dead in a ditch somewhere!

Clearly he's not dead in a ditch. But alive and well. Which is good. However, I may still be dumped, I am not entirely certain!

Well, it will do me good to have the summer off. I can concentrate on the children instead of myself for a change. No doubt I have confirmed his worst suspicions about me. I grant you, I did overeact , but with justifiable cause. Its just so unnecessary to be so rude.

Shame, I haven't been able to wear my killer heels yet, bought them to go with the latex dress..... Can't exactly wear them on the school run can I!

Talking of which. Only two more days to go.

Congruent!

Just a short post today. Its too hot and I can't concentrate!

I had my last session with my physco-therapist today. Apparently I am much more congruent!
I wasn't sure what that was at first, it sounded like some sort of mathematical puzzle to me. But it means fitting together and suitable according to the dictionary. Congruent... Its a good word isn't it?

It will be a blessed relief not to have to go to that appointment every Monday that's for sure. I just hope I can keep on an even keel whilst all this is going on.

I need to stop thinking about him so much though. Its not good and makes me sad. I miss him, but clearly he isn't thinking about me. Why do women fall for men who are emotionally distant? Wish I knew.

The weekend panned out better than expected which was good. I spent Saturday in the garden, pottering and doing not very much and went to the school summer ball on Saturday night and danced away my troubles! ~Sunday was spent recovering from a hangover on the beach at Bournemouth with my darling daughters and my brother and his family. Tiring but good all in all.

Think I shall have to re-classify this blog. I cant talk about sex cos I am not getting any!

suburban sexpot!

Ha! He thinks I have loads of blokes wanting my pussy!

I wish! Its hard to maintain the persona of suburban sexpot when there is no-one wanting to shag you on a regular basis. More so, when the man you want most of all is cool and distant.
Well, there's someone at work, so thats a no no for a start. Flattering all the same though.

Then I could go on a bender with Mad Dog, the bikey bloke from the pub. His leather's are cool , and bike even better, but he cant speak without saying "fuck" every other word. And I am sorry, but I cant shag a bloke I cant speak to..Whats the point?

So I suppose I will just have to be continually horny and wait some more....