Lucidity I think

I don't know about you, but I find the most lucid time of day to be that strange and funny time, between being asleep and fully awake. A no-mans-land of conscious thought. Sometimes its fleetingly brief and sometimes not.

I have made a supreme effort of late not to fret too much about the future and what lies ahead nor to worry too much about what has gone before and why my life has taken its current course of action. I still blame myself for much of it and despite the all too frequent times I tell myself, that its not all my fault. Somehow I know that much if it is! Anyway, I may be a silly cow at times but it doesn't make me a bad person.

Nor am I fretting so much about the tall handsome one. Yes I love him and yes its not good for me and probably the relationship has a finite time span but so what? What will be, will be and I am glad that I fell in love and let my guard down finally. Its been revealing. A temporary madness, but revealing nonetheless!

Much of it stems from identifying changing needs. It is no longer enough to be safe and comfortable. To enjoy the rut of a lifestyle at the expense of someone else? Not for me any longer. I haven't been fair to him at all and I have to break they cycle.

The unconditional love of my children is wonderful and unmissable and yet is not enough. I know that I have to put my needs alongside theirs to enable me to be a good parent. Otherwise I will simply revert to feeling like being trapped behind a pane of glass. Simply going though the motions and putting up a remarkably good show in front others. I have that down to an art form believe me.

So, onwards I think. Now I am feeling almost 100% fitter and mentally stronger to cope with the up and coming changes. I may be lonely, scared and unprepared financially, but I hope that
I can manage the change.

Time will tell.