inner goddess

Just thought I would take a few minutes to record the comings and goings this past week. I've taken to waking up at 3am again which is not a good sign and a sure indication that there is just too much junk whizzing aimlessly around my brain waiting for release.

Its much better to unburden it here. Well better for me anyway. It may not for the few poor souls that happen to fall upon this blog unintentionally.

Well after my last musing about unabated horniness, the highlight of the week was surely Saturday night! It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? I was unsure whether to contact the Man or not, fearing rejection of just plain ambivalence, but as it turned out he was around and on good form. My lovely latex had an airing after nearly 5 months unworn and it was great to put it on again.

I cant really explain my fascination with it either. It is THE most unprepossessing material when you first see it. No more erotic than a marigold washing up glove. But by the time it is cleaned and polished it becomes a different fabric. It makes me feel truly amazing, like the most erotic and sexy person in the whole universe. which of course I am not. But you get the idea....

And well, the man. Ho hum. He is so completely fanciable and I wish he wasn't. He kind of combines completely opposite traits almost simultaneously, I'm not even sure how he does it, just that he does.

He manages to be trustworthy, straight, but not straight forward, dependable but unreliable, loyal but unfaithful, predictable but impetuous, loving but flippant. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the world but then doesn't phone for ages, the sort of man who wants unswerving devotion but would try and get off with your friends! I am totally captivated by him, but trying to keep some distance as I know that's what he wants from me. Its silly, i'm crazy about him and he thinks the world of me so why do we do it?

The only other new and exciting thing this week is that I've also just started a belly dancing course. Which is amusing to say the least and very tricky! Apparently the instructor is hoping to release the inner goddess in all of us. Ha, she's got a job on her hands; thats 30 giggling women of assorted shapes, ages and sizes.

Watch this space!

single train of thought...

I think I must have. A one track mind that is.

I've tried, honestly I have! Tried not to think about sex every day, tried not to think about him too often and tried very hard not to have to frig myself into oblivion every night to get to sleep. Trouble is it doesn't work very well. Couple that with some extra time on my hands and broadband connection and well...the fast downloading of erotica is just asking for trouble!

Its also been at least three weeks since my last sexual outing, which is just about the limit of my endurance, hence my preoccupation.

Its good sometimes to write some of this down, as I am sure most of my friends would not understand the way that it dominates my waking hours. Sure, I can talk about the gym , the current book in the book club, the latest gossip or diets and all that other trash that women like to talk about. But I am sure they would be shocked if they knew that actually i would like to know what its like to sleep with another women, to experience group sex, to sexually dominate a man for a change and that's just for starters. Have any of them done those things and if so, what was it like? somehow, I think not. They are all too nice! Well I am nice too. Most of the time!

The thing is I look at sexually attractive women that same way I think an average bloke does. Nice figure, long legs, shapely arse etc. I'd like to experience to touch of another women, the feel of another breast on mine, the wetness between her legs but on the other hand, fingers are no substitute for a hard cock are they? And I am sure that I would still need a good pummelling even after the most talented of fingers had done their best. I think it must be rather cool to be a man, and to be able to able to be so versatile!

my body is a temple...etc

What's that saying? My body is a temple and I must worship it daily... well I have worshipped it tonight with three glasses of white wine. Does that count?

Probably not. I wish my body could be worshipped daily by a sex obsessed man with a penchant for girls who wear high heels. Someone with a slighly kinky mind, lovingly tender but sexually dominant . Mmm. I used to think I wasnt normal until I read some of the other blogs on here! NowI dont think I am too far off the mark just because I like oogling pics of pretty girls and enjoy pornography and latex! oh well I live in hope that someday my prince will come but unfortunately realise there is no happy ever after.

I have had a dull few weeks really, I've not much to tell as I have been busy with work, life and stuff and generally just keeping my head down and trying to be good! Not trying all that hard, truth be told but one has to make a little effort every now and again.

I had dinner last week with the man. He has emerged from his cave and whilst I am feeling reasonably perky about things generally, I am not sure he really understands that all I want from him is understanding and a feeling of connection. Do you know what I mean by that? The feeling you get when you look at someone special straight in the eye; someone who really excites you and makes you curious about them, about you and your place in the world. I wonder what he really thinks about me?

Otherwise things here at home are much as they always are. Its funny how you can live me a man who studiously ignores your love affair with someone else. I wish he didn't and I wish he would do something about it. Its quite clear to me that all he wants is a tidy, clean house, and someone around in the wife/mother role. The fact that he pushes me away when i try and broach the subject of our future and will not discuss anything about it all is almost as destructive as my unfaithfulness.

Certainly I am worse but longer this goes on the less sure I am about apportioning blame.

Houdini mark II

Found the hamster. Decomposing nicely! I dont how it managed it, but it had found its way into the cupboard under the sink in the utility room. I was sure I had checked that cupboard! Anyway it had tumbled into a rather large white ceramic flower vase and was obviously trapped and unable to escape.

Poor thing. I know how it felt. Anwyway I identified with it sufficiently and felt guilty and sad to go and buy the children a new one. At vast expense. Well the hamster was only £6.00, but the new cage was £48!! Stupid or what

Lets see how long this one lasts shall we?

Tears at bedtime

Hello blog. Kind of missed writing to you whilst I have been away. I know that no one reads this so its a blessed relief that I can write down all the crap stuff and not store it in my memory bank for any longer than necessary. Well no one reads it because no one (apart from him) knows I write it. The holidays are over and I had a great time with the children, down in sunny Devon in splendid isolation. The kids enjoyed it, and we did all the usual traditional things like making sandcastles, crabbing, rockpooling and just really chilling out.

I had plenty of time to think and adjust myself to the fact the probably the affair of the last nearly two years was grinding to a shuddering halt. Which indeed it has. It wasn't done with any finesse either which was a shame. Possibly if I had reacted differently I might have got to see him one last time. But it wouldn't have done me any good. He put me straight. It was just sex. But that's men for you. They can shag around and not give a damn. I can and indeed I have done in the past, but not for that length of time and not having told him everything about me. Its not nice when someone betrays your trust in them but I suppose the experience will teach me a thing or two and I will be more careful next time. I will also be stronger, tougher and harder.

So I shall retire to my bed and lick my wounds, cry, grieve, mourn and bury him under a pile of work, things that need doing and the perennial problem of what to do with the rest of my life.

Onwards, upwards, stronger, fitter, healthier and more to the point happier. There is someone out there who can help make me happy and fulfilled, but I have to do the groundwork myself first. I know that.
Fucking well cant be difficult. Can it?

We shall see.

Tears & Tesco

Now I know why I haven't fallen in love with anyone for 20 years. The pain of it, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I am trying hard to be brave, but I am hurting badly. I think I have set myself up for a fall, asking him to remember my birthday. I dont even expect he will call and I will end up having a shite day.

I could live without him in my life, but I miss him though. I miss his friendship, I want to phone him and talk to him about things in my life, I miss the buzz and excitment of him, I miss the chemistry and I miss the sex. Yes all those things.

Holiday thoughts

Going away for a while.

Got some thinking to do. I have given handsome man some time out and a "get out of jail card" if he needs it. Which I think he does. I tried to explain why his distance upsets me and I have bared my heart and soul to him and probably shouldn't have done so. The trouble with that, is that it leaves you venerable and fragile. Its going to come back and bite me on the arse I reckon!

Well, you can't help who you fall in love with can you? And I guess any person reading this, you would say "serves you damm well right" and "what did you expect. But I would be a hard nosed bitch if I didn't feel those feelings for him. It took me by surprise when it happened and surprises me still that I feel the same way all this time later. And nor should I be too surprised if he runs a mile in the opposite direction.

I shouldn't have used an affair as the excuse to end a stale, stagnant and sexless marriage but I sure am not the first person to have done so. It was grinding to a shuddering halt long before the affair. There is still much to do on that front. But its almost impossible when you don't speak to each other.

A holiday is what is needed. No sex, no erotic thoughts and dreams, no vibrator, no men, no email or mobile. Nothing, just me and the kids and a good girlfriend along for some company in the second week, to stop me wallowing in doubt and loneliness.

The sun better shine.